Coming Soon: The New Johnson Family Compound

Henry has demanded more suitable living conditions. Some of you folks might not know -- but we are building a new home (aka the compound) this fall on ten acres yonder north a bit from Chisago City . There is no turning back now, since we just put our house up for sale and it sold on the first showing. To make things worse, I will serve as the general contractor in my "free time". Things could get ugly. Here are some pictures of our "spread".

It is about half wooded and half pasture and it even has a large permanent puddle that could be confused for a pond. It has a bunch of different types of trees -- lots of cedars and some maples. Here is a picture of a big old Tim Burton-style maple tree that is in our woods:

This is the field. I have been tossing around the idea of getting some livestock. Possibly a chicken or two, maybe a turkey named Gobbles. We own clear back to the tree line, roughly 1,320 feet.

The house will feature timber framing enclosed with structural insulated panel walls. Timber framing is an age-old technique utilizing mortise and tenon joinery and really big timbers. It looks sweet. Below is a picture of a timber frame similar to the one we will have, except ours will have a two car garage and a little mud room attached so mama doesn't yell at me to take off my shoes. The structural insulated panels are sweet because they offer an R-value 40% to 60% higher than that of a conventionally wood framed house. Basically, that means I could produce enough gas to heat the house for a year if you gave me a case of Natural Ice Light and a jar of pickled fish. But seriously, really low heating bills.

This is kinda what it should look like looking up from the great room...

I hope Henry and mama like it and I really hope this whole deal doesn't drive me to the point of dementia or financial ruin.

In other recent developments, Henry boasts an astounding two word vocabulary. He says "dada" or "dad" quite a bit, although I still don't think he means it. He also says a word that sorta sounds like "fish sticks". This is strange since we don't recall ever saying fish sticks to him or within earshot of him. It could simply be a testament to his genius.

Also, on the traumatic side, mama was feeding him zwieback toast the other day and he started choking on a little piece for about ten seconds.

In conclusion, we sold our house, are building a new one, and are getting a turkey named Gobbles. Also, zwieback toast is a total menace and is being considered for banishment from our house.

What a Wookie...

I thought it was time to start Henry on his vintage T-shirt collection. Here is Henry looking sophisticated and extravagent in a Chewbacca Return of the Jedi shirt circa 1983. He thought it was too cool to even wear -- but I insisted.

Is it just me, or has his nose taken on a permanent orange tint from extreme consumption of squash, peaches, sweet potatoes, and all things orange?

In other recent developments, Henry has begun to show his mastery of the sippy cup. He also has been really keen on the thingie in the picture below. You cram-a-lam little fruit chunks and what not in it and he gnaws on it.

Henry has been a little bit crabby and snotty the past few days. All indications point to his first cold. Poor little dude. As a result, Henry and I have struck a gentlemen's agreement regarding alternative temperature taking practices. No can do, no can do.

Henry and the Amazing Green Milk Crate

I call this photo shoot "The Child Endangerment Series". It maybe looks a little worse than it really was. We just went real slow up and down the driveway -- just like Rainman. Henry loved it. He was howling.

Then we would take a little break and hang out for a while...

Then we would cruise a little bit more.

Henry had his nine month check-up today. I am happy to report that Henry is a doctor inspected and approved happy and healthy baby (pending the results of the blood tests to check his hemoglobin and make sure he hasn't been feasting on lead paint chips!). Henry is 18 pounds and 7 ounces of twisted steel and unbridled fury (this falls into the 25% level). His height is a staggering 30 inches, or two feet and six inches (90%). The doctor called him a string bean a couple times but said he is a totally healthy little guy. His head circumfrence is an amazing 47 centimeters.

Henry's TV Repair

Henry has been taking a correspondence course in TV & VCR Repair from the Dunwoody Institute.

Let me see here, looks like a 19 inch Sony Trinitron circa 1993.
I'm just going to test the tensile strength of this here coaxial cable.

Hmmm, and what is this tasty morsel??

Henry is nine months old now. He has his nine month check up later this week. He has been saying "Dad" quite a bit lately and has been repeating sounds that we make.

In the True Spirit of Easter

Henry juggled two Easter dinners over the weekend. We had dinner with the wife's family on Saturday. After the ham dinner and after five bottles and one box of wine , the scene was reminiscent of the Jonestown Massacre -- half empty glasses and semi-conscious bodies strewn everywhere. Sheesh. Needless to say, Sunday was quite a bit more sedate. After the smoke cleared, Henry made off with three Easter baskets. We gave him two unusually proportioned plush rabbits that seem to scare the bejeezus out of him. Witness:

Henry is crawling around with the greatest of ease and continues to test our babyproofing skills. He is gradually expanding his palate with the baby food and it even seems like most of it makes it to his mouth now. He is growing so fast and really fills out his overalls like a corn-fed Iowa farm boy. It has been fun, as the weather has been getting nice, to take him outside and allow him to experience new things. We had a picnic out on the front lawn the other day. He would grab a dried leaf with his little fingers and look at it with great bewilderment for a few moments before attempting to eat it.

Dad, on a serious note, could you please get this creepy bunny off of my shoulder.

Henry with Strolling Cap

HE GOES BY KLONDIKE HANK - CONSIDER HIM A DANGER & A PUBLIC MENACE

It seems like the milestones and miracles just keep on piling up. I guess the daycare lady said he pulled himself up to a standing position today. No foolin'. It is tough work trying to keep up with him nowadays. It seems like the theme music from The Benny Hill Show should be playing in the background from the moment I wake up until it is night-night time as I chase after him in my feeble attempts to avert disasters. This morning I caught him trying to eat out of the dog dish. You have to watch these babies like a hawk. To put it in perspective, my wife and I are somehow managing to do what takes a team of a dozed trained and untrained professionals to do for Brittany Spears -- and it seems like we may even be doing it to a greater degree of success.

Uncle Sammy got him this shirt along with a matching pair of shorts as gift. It was handmade by villagers in a remote area of Mexico, accessible only by a guided donkey ride. It is reported to be made of local materials and fine organic dyes.

Notice Henry isn't smiling. I think it is because he is intensely focused on what type of shenanigans he can employ to wreak havoc on his Papa's daily life.

Also, Henry just started clicking his tongue. A while back, the doctor said that clicking the tongue is a sign that his speech is getting more advanced and that he should be starting to put some words together soon thereafter.

On a sad footnote, June Pointer, of The Pointer Sisters, passed away recently. I find solace as I imagine she and Don Knotts doing The Neutron Dance at the pearly gates.

Motorin'

Henry is seriously mobile. There is now a constant element of danger in our household. The little guy is gobbling dust bunnies, animal dander, dead leaves from our poisonous house plants, and other things both known and unknown. He is tumbling and flopping around. He has a minor bruise above his eye from a slight fall he took this afternoon on dad's watch. I feel like he should be fitted for a helmet or something. Do they make such a thing for babies? 'Cause this is the only helmet I have and he tips over if I put it on him.

Our world has been turned upside down--it's total and utter chaos. Everything in our house has to be tested and reconfigured. He loves to pull and suck on cords and cables, too. He's been throwing up more lately and I'm not sure if it's because of his increased activity or if it's from ingesting mysterious household substances. We performed a major cleaning of the house today out of fear. Lots of bleach was used.

If we turn our backs for one second, Henry will take off into a forbidden area of the house. Below, Henry inspects the area surrounding the toilet bowl. Not good.

He is one bad motor scooter.

Developing Story: CRAWLING

Henry is crawling. He did about four consecutive crawl steps on a few different occassions in the basement this morning. He absolutely loves remote controls. So I set him down on the carpet and put a remote control about six feet in front of him and off he went. He still has to fine tune his skills a bit. However, I am confident in making this announcement official. This should come as sweet relief to our daycare lady who has had to constantly keep toys within arms reach so the H-train didn't start crawling on her watch.

I got a little video but I don't have the technological know-how to provide a link or what not to that. I also don't have any new photos. So, today is a hospital retrospective... what a handsome little chap, huh?

Crap, now we really have to baby proof the house --and probably keep it clean too. We have some dust bunnies lurking that are the size of a medium grapefruit. And outlet covers... man, I gotta get on the ball.

*WARNING* -- Kinda Cutesy

If you had a basket filled with baby kittens in a field of daisies (as a unicorn grazes in the distance), the level of cuteness that has been attained by this photograph would not be surpassed. This is our little guy sharing a tender moment with his daycare sweetheart Alison. Maybe we'll start calling him Tender Vittles.

The bar has been raised. The standard for baby cuteness will be measured against this photo for years to come.

*Photo taken by daycare lady and blatantly used without permission. Sorry, I couldn't resist.

Here is slightly less cute picture of Henry in his "old man" long undies.

Hair. Long beautiful hair...

Henry "Imelda" James

Henry has very much fallen into an Imelda Marcos-type existence. Including his recent Bobux acquisition, he has managed to accumulate three pairs of amazing shoes in the past two weeks and a staggering two pairs in the past two days. I may have to implement a rotation of some sort just to accomadate his new wealth of footwear. Henry was generously given these super cool sheepskin booties from from one of his many internet fans (thanks again LA!). They were a total smash among the people at the coffee shop this morning. For reasons beyond explanation, the little guy seems to have a particularly hypnotizing effect on the ladies. Ladies want him, men want to be him - Henry James Johnson...

They make him feel good...

They look good...

And, I guess they don't taste too bad either... For some reason, I see him wearing either a loin cloth or possibly some type of Nordic Viking get-up with these booties. I'm working on it.

Here is his other cool new pair of shoes. Decadent, yet exuding a casual elegance. Mom simply couldn't resist buying these for him as an early Easter present. Damn you zappos.com!

They are a little big , so no action photos yet. These will be for jamming on his half-pipe.

Toofums

It is really tough to get a good tooth picture. However, as sheer luck would have it, Henry flashed a big ol' grin and there you have it. He gots toofums.

The Fascinating World of Parenthood

I've been told that a true cowboy only takes his hat off for one thing. Apparently, in Henry's world, it's not for bath time. He has about twenty rubber duckies and he tries to eat every single one of 'em. It is currently one of his true passions in life.




Here's is a fun game for young parents to play. It revolves around the diaper genie. For the uninformed the diaper genie is the thingie in a nursery that you put the dirty diapers in. In theory, they prevent the room from wreaking like a White Castle restroom at 4 am on a Saturday morning. The object of the game is to not have to be the one to have to empty the diaper genie, which requires a treacherous 15 yard hike to the garage at our household. So, the whole secret to the game lies in one's ability to cram just one more diaper into an already overstuffed diaper genie. I remember when we first got that blasted contraption. I think we emptied it after it had about five diapers in it. Now, as seasoned diaper genie veterans, the thing weighs about 95 pounds by the time we can no longer cram another diaper in it. CRIPES.

• Henry is very close to crawling. We were taping him with our video camera for about ten minutes today trying to capture that first crawl - no dice. Any day now we're thinkin...
• He has developed the annoying habit of trying to flip over to his belly when changing his diaper. I try giving him toys to distract him but that only works momentarily. This really adds a new dimension to changing the super poopie diapers, especially the ones where the poop is all over the place and somehow manages to go half way up his back. Jarred meat and peaches must be high octane stuff, let me tell ya.
• When Henry was first born last summer I wanted to take him out fishing with me on my little boat. The wife wasn't really keen on this and in retrospect seems pretty ridiculous. Even the infant life jackets wouldn't really fit him. I had threatened to fashion him a life jacket out of a can cooler. I never followed through though, much to her relief. But now we are all set - today he got his life jacket from Fleet Farm and I drove by the boat launch in Hudson at Lake St. Croix and its all clear for take off. I just need to muster up the energy to get the boat out of hibernation. The life jacket even has a convenient carring handle to grab him when he hops out of the boat!

Doesn't he look all growed up?!

Things Get Weird at Tamarack Village

The Robot Era was short-lived in our household. Our dog, Ike, decided he wanted to eat Henry's robot shoes. The whole ordeal was very upsetting and Ike is skating on thin ice these days. I swear if that dog so much as farts in my general direction he's getting a one way ticket to the glue factory. I think he knows this and has been really buddying up with Henry.

The upside to this tragedy is that baby got a new pair of shoes. We had heard from our friends that there was an unusual shoe store in Woodbury run by a little old asian lady they refer to as The Shoe Nazi. I decided to check it out. Apparently, the lady used to sell both of the popular brands of the soft soled baby shoes - Bobux and Robeez. Now she only sells Bobux. I was told that the shoe nazi was easily excitable if you mention Robeez and would start an angry rant about how Robeez were a vastly inferior product and how "Robby choke ankle". I was still feeling kinda crappy from the wisdom teeth getting pulled less than a week before and made the decision not to incite the wrath of the shoe nazi during my visit. That didn't matter. Here's a brief recap of my experience:

My wife had looked at the different styles of shoes on the "internets" the night before. So I didn't have to shop around, I just walked in and scanned the rack of baby shoes until I found the style and size I wanted and took them up to the Shoe Nazi for purchase. The following exchange is real and was transcribed to the best of my recollection, without embellishment:

Shoe Nazi: You find everything OK?

ME: Yep.

SN: You have baby boy. HOW OLD?!

ME: Eight months.

SN: You smart - you get right size. Room to grow, too.

ME: Yep.

SN: You see on box it say "the original" Bobux? These good shoe. Robby copy shoe - NOT ORIGINAL ... and choke ankle.

ME: Yeah. I've heard they are rather dangerous.

SN: I only sell Bobux, no Robby. Everybody love Bobux. I sell at least five pair every day. Someday, Saturday, Sunday, SELL 20 PAIR!

ME: Huh.

SN: Thank you. Good day.

ME: Alright, take it easy.

In conclusion, if you find yourself in Woodbury with some free time on your hands you'd be doing yourself a serious disservice if you didn't check this place out. No foolin' beave'.

In a "return to nature" theme, we decided on the stylings of the fuzzy sea turtle.

Added for your veiwing pleasure is a photo of H2: Electric Bugaloo just maxin' and relaxin' in his "I do all my own stunts" shirt and his new fuzzy sea turtle Bobux from The Shoe Nazi of Tamarack Village.

Vicodin, Red Wine, Tub Seat & Paparazzi

Maybe I don't look so cool in this picture. Maybe its because I had four wisdom teeth pulled and I have been all hopped up on Vicodin and wine since Friday. I guess that begs the question of why I might be giving Henry airplane rides when I am all hopped up on pain pills. I have no solid answer for that.


Henry has been pestered by the paparazzi all week. They are always looking for the next big picture.

I don't blame him for occassionally 'taking out' a cameraman.

All the kids these days have a tub seat. Henry is no exception.

Domo Arigato?

Here is our Henry posing in his other traditional Kung Fu outfit. This one has a dragon embroidered on the one side and some chinese writing and what have you on the other. Obviously, the robot shoes can tie together just about any outfit. Sweep the leg, Henry!

Ultimate Fighting Championships Starring Hank "The Tank" Johnson

The other night Henry was all fiesty and hopping around on my lap and screaming. Then he would dive towards me and give me a hug. It was funny and cute...

Until the part where he gave me a flying headbutt and a bloody nose. He's almost eight months old and he can already take his Pa in the fistacuffs.

• Henry is getting close to crawling now. He can get up on all fours from his tummy.
• Henry is not big on cottage cheese.
• Watched Weekend at Bernie's II -- 90 minutes of my life I will never get back.

Seacrest, out!

Jarred Meat and Other Delights

Maybe I think jarred meat is gross, but lil' Henry seems to enjoy a little beef with a side order of sweet potatoes. He made a sour face with the first bite - but he was into it full tilt after that. Jarred meat, folks.

Ode to Kirby & I do all my own stunts...

It been a rough go for the past week or so. First, Don Knotts, now Kirby. Oh Kirby, we hardly knew ye. On top of that, I have heard rumours that there is going to be a modern movie remake of of the 1980s television program "Magnum P.I.", which can only serve to tarnish the immaculate legacy that Tom Selleck built with grit, integrity, and one heck of a moustache.

Henry has been noticeably more cranky and agitated with the teeth coming in. After about four months of sleeping through the night, he has been waking up at 3 or 4 in the a.m. to let us know how he feels. Usually, we can give him his nuk and he will doze off again. So I guess I shouldn't complain. We give him baby teething pain gel ointment cream to ease the suffering. Me and Momma tried out the pain gel stuff just for fun and can report that it works surprisingly well. I kinda thought that since it was a baby product that it wouldn't pack a wallop.

Anyway, Henry thinks he's a total badass now with the teeth and all because we let him try one of those little pieces cereal that looks like Honeycomb cereal, except that it is for babies. We gave him a few little tiny peices of walleye the other night, too.

For some reason, I find something fundamentally wrong with jarred meats. I won't blame him one bit if he won't eat that stuff. For his 1st birthday I am taking him downtown to Manny's Steakhouse and we'll feast on prime rib like two proper gentleman.

Between presents, hand-me-downs from friends and Henry's cousins, and select scores from Unique Thrift Store, we haven't had to get Henry much for new clothing. However, at the Target department store the other day we saw a t-shirt that Henry simply had to have. It said "I do all my own stunts". He's wearing it in the picture above - but all you can see is the stuntman's head and hand.

Breaking News: We've Got Teeth!

It is being reported that on Friday of this week two teeth were spotted lurking in the mouth of Henry James by a dismayed Wisconsin daycare provider. If you look real close in the photo below you may be able to see two little white nubs poking out of his bottom gum line. Simply glorious.

Henry celebrated with a particularly raucous feast. Today pears and sweet 'taters, tomorrow beef jerky and sardines!

We even let him try feeding himself.

As the evening carried on, the amazing feats continued. For his grand finale, Henry did his first push-up. I didn't have the heart to tell him, but it looked more like a girl push up to me. Oh well, not too shabby for a wee lad of seven months and two weeks.

Young Boy Keeps Sweatshops of the World Bustling with Ridiculous Jammie Fetish

Hola! My name is Henry James. These are my new canary yellow terry cloth footie jam-jams emblazoned with a bear with a little turtle guy on top of the bear. I enjoy tummy time and putting household objects in my mouth but my true passions are peek-a-blocks and pureed fruits. Today my dad gave me a bath and then I peed all over him. My zodiac sign is cancer.

I should also mention that my picture is on the Robeez website - look under 'H' for Henry. There's three Henrys but I'm the super elegant and handsome one in the sophisticated green sweater. Check it out.