Healthy White Toddler For Sale: $15 / Best Offer

It is currently impossible for science to quantify or accurately measure elegance. However, in the future, if science can find a way to accomplish such a feat, I am pretty sure it will somehow involve this photo.

Henry is beginning to show a real flair for the arts. Channeling his intrigue for Mr. Rogers into his Warhol phase has produced his latest masterpiece: "Rogers in Spectravision!". As a medium, he excels at screen printing.

I think this is Violet's first bath in the new house! (Note the Aberdeen by Moen in Oil Rubbed Bronze kitchen faucet.)

STUNNA!! Check out Lil' Vi in her party dress. We took her out for an afternoon cruise on the Upper St. Croix River on my brothers houseboat, The Mrs. Valdez. We forgot our camera and subsequently missed out on several very good photo opportunities. Here is an old photo of the Valdez in dry dock. It should be noted that significant remodelling has taken place since the photo was taken.

Here is a wax sculpture of Mr. Rogers that Henry recently completed called "Hey Rogers, You're Invading my Comfort Zone."

Henry is a complete firecracker. He is almost two and can be terrible. We moved into our new house and decided it was time to transition Henry into the toddler bed. I think the combination of new house and new bed was a bit overwhelming. He did not cotton to the toddler bed so much. First, we decided since he can open our lever style door knobs that it would be best for everyone if I switched around the knobs so we could lock him in his room when he is sleeping at night. Does that sound bad? We thought it was mostly a safety issue since we didn't want him crawling out of bed and stumbling down the stairs or some other such tragedy. The first night after we tucked him in he got out of bed and starts pounding on the door and saying things like "DADDDDDY! WHY?! WHYYYYYYYYYYY??!!" and "NO NAPS!!" and DADDY! WHERE ARE YOU?" We decided to execute plan B for temporary relief. Plan B was to put him in the pack'n'play (This whole transition started because Violet was sleeping in a bassinet and we wanted to let her start sleeping in the crib so we had o figure out something). We discovered the hard way that he can escape from the pack'n' play. All we heard was a huge THUD. Judging from the goose egg over his eye, I have to guess that it was his head slamming into the wood floor in his room. After that, we decided the twelve inch fall from the toddler bed was a better deal than Hank the Tank taking Jimmy 'Superfly' Snuka flying leaps from the top rope of his pack'n'play. We also decided lots of rugs and padding surrounding the bed were in order. I think he gets his sleeping habits from me. He is a violent sleeper and thrashes and moves around alot.

In light of recent events, Henry has actually been much more of handful than eight-week-old Tiny Elegance. Violet has slept through the night a couple times now. Sweet relief for the Johnson Family.

Henry also says "Dang it!". I'm not sure if he knows what he is saying but he seems to occansionally use it in context. Not cool.

He got some some "big boy undies" a while back. We thought Bob the Builder undies might get him geared up for potty training but he has figured out a way to circumvent to whole process and just puts on his big boy undies over his diaper -- offering the sophistication and dignity of the big boy underpant while preserving the function and utility of the diaper. The best of both worlds...

As I mentioned, we moved into our new house. It is bittersweet since we are still basically living out of suitcases because we aren't totally done yet and don't want to move in and arrange furniture and crap until we are seriously done. The inside is mostly done. Siding is the big "to do" yet. And a million other little things.

We have two toilets hooked up and our clawfoot tub is functional now. Radical. Let me tell you, I have no idea why these clawfoot delights ever fell out of favor. Ergonomically shaped for soaking and relaxation.

Grandma Judy graciously agreed to watch the kids this past Saturday evening so we could celebrate Karl Oscar Days with the citizenry of Lindstrom and the greater Chisago Lakes Area. For the uninitiated, Karl Oscar Days is a local custom celebrating the eradicatiion of Norwegians from the area in the 1880s with 2 for 1 Grain Belt Premiums and country western music at the Lindstrom Municipal Bar.

OK, so this is mainly about the house...

Hank and Vi are eagerly waiting to move into El Rancho Johnson Estate. Grandma Judy watched the kids while Julie & I worked on the house. Julie cleaned, organized, and stocked the kitchen. It is pretty cool to have a couple of rooms that look virtually finished. I've been saying this for a long time but we are really getting close now.

Julie is seriously in her element here. Her biggest passion in life is organizing stuff. I could hear her saying things to herself like "oh my God, where should I put the cheese grater??" and "Ah shit, do I put the holiday plates in with the good plates or in storage with the seasonal decorations!!"

The handrail is now basically completed. Henry can now meander freely throughout the house with less risk of injury. The ballasters were milled from some of the left over timbers that we had from the timberframers.



This is the interior view looking easterly from the west end of the great room. Note the beautiful wide plank rustic hickory floors installed by Johnson & Son Construction... not too shabby for amatuers if I do say so myself.


Mortise and tenon stairs with handrail...

Julie runs and jumps Flashdance style...


Looking westerly across the great room...


The loft level...


The master bedroom filled with doors to varnish.

So that's the house. Our children continue to impress us with their beauty and finesse.

Henry simply refers to Mr. Rogers as "Rogers".

Violet is almost smiling and is a rather dainty eater.

Westward the wagons!

Long Legs, Haircuts, & Cupcakes

Just look at those long legs. I think she is still in the running to be America's Next Top Model... I bet it is pretty hard work being so dainty and beautiful and perfect - somehow she pulls it off with grace, integrity and sophistication.

Hi, my name is Violet Sophia Johnson and I am as precious as a flower and no bigger than a bread basket. I am wearing a bonnet. My passions include naps, pretty dresses and Nestle Good Start with DHA and ARA (the same enzymes and what not found in breast milk).

Sometimes I get so tuckered out from being pretty and have to have seepy seepy time.

Hi, my name is Henry James Johnson. This week in my life my mommy took me to the barber to get my awesome hair trimmed to look even more awesome. There was an old man in a blue shirt reading The Power of Positive Thinking waiting for his turn in the rotation. I didn't say it out loud, but I was thinking to myself, "Hey lady, what in tarnation is this thing around my neck? Elton John just called - He wants his Christmas tree skirt back."

I love this picture of Henry. He really isn't a baby anymore. He is a little boy. His vocabulary is growing every day. We are also thinking that he is starting to get dialed in for potty training. Since momma has been staying at home with the kids, she has noticed he likes to sneak off and hide in the closet and fill up his diaper. It's all very confusing. She discovered him doing this once and he got mad and said "Mama, get out." Does this mean he thinks pooping is shameful? I guess I will have to instill in him a sense of pride. He will go pee on the toilet sometimes. It is pretty entertaining. He lets out a loud grunt and pees just a little bit of a tinkle then says "All done!"

The other day he pooped a decent sized log on momma's foot at bath time.

I am Hank Sanchez. You killed my brother. Now I will eat a cupcake - the breakfast of champions and captains of industry. Bring me my sippy cup and the head of Alfredo Garcia.

Varnishing lots of woodwork lately. Fumes bad. Brain cells diminished.

Cable TV is truly amazing. We just started watching a new Discovery Channel reality program Ice Road Truckers. I think we are hooked.

Babies, Mud Baths, Jailhouse Delousing -- All the Good Stuff...

This is baby Violet Sophia in moms bed at the hospital. I put her in their to give momma a laugh when she got out of the shower. Little Violet pretty much sleeps about 20 hours a day and is awake from 1 am to 5 am. She is your basic perfect little angel. Henry likes her. He gets upset when she cries and says "Baby, check!" He also likes to set toys by her head and point at her and touch her -- usually pretty cute.

We recently completed a very cute photo shoot of the baby in capri pants and oversized sunglasses. However, I am under strict orders not to make the photos public until after everyone gets the birth announcements, so as not to steal their thunder.

Here is one of Violet thinking.

I took Henry with me to the lumber yard on Saturday to pick of some building supplies and what have you. We hung out for a good portion of the day and had a lot of fun. The above picture is of what Henry decided to do while Dad was unloading the trailer. Right after I snapped this one he bent down and tried to drink some water from the puddle. Momma was not impressed when we showed up for lunch with Henry wearing a soggy diaper and mud caked all over his body like a water buffalo on the Sarengeti. I think she said something like "what the hell is this -- Lord of the Flies?"

Henry loves playing outside and any fit can be averted by telling him we should go outside and do some stuff. Like this:

Remember in the movie First Blood when the over zealous local sherriffs department take John Rambo in for a delousing and jailhouse-style shower? That is one of Henry's favorite games.

He also likes bubbles in a major way. Here he is playing with his cousin Emmie last weekend.

The house should be done by Christmas. Holla!

It's a Girl!!

I think we can finally put this whole Gary ordeal to bed. We got a baby girl yesterday at 1:05 pm. Everything went really smooth. Only about five to ten minutes of pushing. Seven pounds, eleven ounces and twenty-one inches. Not too shabby, huh? We named her Violet Sophia. She is every bit a lady.

There is a large construction project going on at the hospital and there was serious stuff going on outside our window starting at 7:30 am. We're talking masonry saws, hammering and that sort of junk.

Henry is a little confused and mad about this new situation. Hopefully he will adjust. So far he has done a lot of pointing accompanied by quizzical looks.

It looks like the teams are even now - two dudes and two girls.

Here is the first photo of her. She is still smothered in that ricotta cheese stuff and still has a foot long umbilical cord for a belly button.

Momma said this one should be captioned something to the effect of "oh my goodness, where's my sock?".

Oh Gary, We Hardly Knew Ye...

But with death comes new life. I think it is go time. Don't call us, we'll call you...

Cliff Hanger: The Hummingbird Whisperer

There is a hummingbird living in my garage. I shall call him Gary.

Last night I was in the garage when I heard a noise from behind me that sounded like a huge moth flying around. I hit the deck. To my surprise, it turned out to be a hummingbird. Weird. Well, he kept flying around the light bulbs like he was looking for some nector to snack on. I watched him for about five minutes in bewilderment and intrigue. They flap their wings super fast and what have you. I don't know how they keep doing that without taking a break. After the initial novelty wore off, I tried to gently coax him out of garage without success. It was getting late and I had to get going back to my folks to get to bed. I couldn't leave the garage door open. Such a security breach was simply out of the question. I had to close the door and shut the little guy in my garage for the evening.

When I arrived at the house this morning to let the dog out and check on the house and stuff, I couldn't find Gary. I frantically searched the garage and finally spotted him perched on my window sill. I decided to approach him and open the window so he could escape. I slowly moved to open the latches and crank open the awning style window. He didn't budge. I had my camera with and snapped a few close ups and then tried to nudge him to see if he would take off for nature and the great outdoors. I barely touched him and he tipped over like a little Precious Moments figurine. Not cool. Gary was down. I am guessing he must have been pretty wiped out from flapping his wings all night and had to take a break. I thought that maybe he was parched and need something to wet his whistle. The only refreshments I have at the house are Mello Yello, A & W Root Beer, Pabst Blue Ribbon, and Oreo Double Stuff Cookies. I drew the obvious conclusion and took a bottle cap and filled it with a few drops of PBR and Oreo cookie dust, mixing it up a bit, and offered it up to Gary. To my astonishment, he did not cotton to my offering. I decided it was best to leave at this point.

If you examine the picture closely you will note that Gary left a little spot of hummingbird tinkle and a small hummingbird doo-doo on my window sill. Aside from that, what a majestic creature.

The new baby will be coming soon. The house is still not done. Cripes.

How About That? Two Days In a Row...

Henry's ex-girlfriend Ali turned two a while back. Momma and I are too lazy and absent minded to remember things like cameras to document our child's life (my bad). Luckily, Ali's mom is a real pro with the camera. I lifted some of these photos from their photo sharing site.

Henry and Ali hadn't seen each other since June or so of last year. This was kind of an awkward moment for Henry as he had to admit he has been seeing some other ladies at his daycare. He handled it with dignity and finesse. I tried not to eavesdrop, but I think I overheard him say, "I'm sorry, baby. I still think about you all the time." Henry is wearing a vintage Kermit the Frog t-shirt.

Here is Henry gobbling a cupcake and showing why he is commonly referred to as the gold standard in cuteness.

Henry took delight in cruising around on a tractor.

Henry and Ali partying in a backyard tent thingie.

I don't know what was going on here.

I Like this one. I think Henry looks like a major league pitcher about to deliver some serious heat like he's Carmen Ronzonni. I think Ali was impressed. Here's the announcers call:

Hank Johnson is throwing pure gasoline today, folks. On a one and two count, checks Gruber on first, shakes off the first sign. Here's the delivery from the stretch, and Hank goes inside with a brush back pitch showing Julio Franco who's boss. That little man has cajones.

All photos used without permission.

GUYS!!!

OK, I'm a little behind. Here is a ultra cute picture of Henry decorating Easter eggs with Grandma Judy and momma and me.

Henry is getting to be a real talker, although he can be hard to understand sometimes. I will say words for him to repeat and he is pretty good at that. The other day I said "Can you say DVD?" and for some reason he said "DDD and ABCs" -- and he said it with attitude like Tyra Banks. I'm not sure what he meant but me and momma laughed.

He is becoming alarmingly obsessive about his "guys". He has played for them for 5-6 hours straight. No joke. He just got a whole mess of vintage guys from a yard sale. If he is in the zone with his guys and we want him to do something else he will try to carry all his guys and there respective vehicles, accessories and what have you with him. This is pretty much physically impossible and he starts dropping guys. This morning it lead to a total meltdown. But for some reason when it is time for me to go he is pretty well trained. I say "it's time for your guys to go nite nite, buddy", and he runs into his room and chucks his guys into his crib and says "ni ni guys" and he is ready to head out to daycare. The other night he took about a dozen select guys with him for his evening bath. He didn't play with them. Instead they just floated around. He pointed at them and said "guys swimming".

GUYS!!!!!

Let's see... what else... the house is getting there. My pa got started on some trimming this weekend. The nursery and Henry's room are virtually finished. We ordered our appliances over the weekend -- 10% off at Home Depot. I have spent roughly $25,000 at Home Depot this past year. Scary. My brother went with me to pick up some goods a while back ago and was impressed that an employee strolled by and greeted me by name. I guess that is all I got right now. In conclusion, Henry is big into his "guys" and my ongoing saga of home construction continues. Oh, I recently uploaded another Henry vidoe on YouTube -- nothing too crazy -- just another slice of life piece showcasing his exquisite nature.

Easy Rider

This is Henry dropping a deuce as he plays with trucks in our improvised sand pile at the house. We have a huge pile of sand left over from backfilling the garage.

Here is Henry and mama playing in the sand.

Henry plays as Ike casually licks himself in the background. Ike is half Pit Bull, half Hungarian Fighting Mongrel and 100% teddy bear.

He still has no interest in potty training even though he will often grab his butt and say "POOP! POOP!". We let him sit on the toilet for a couple of minutes but he's just not into it yet. I am pretty sure he is just messing with us.

Henry had Rice Crispies for breakfast this morning and is very dexterous with a spoon. The young boy can shovel cereal or apple sauce like nobody's business. Seriously.

After a bath there is nothing more pleasing to Henry than running downstairs nude and hopping aboard his mermaid tricylce with fuchsia handlebars and elegant streamers. There are four songs you can play by pushing buttons on the dashboard. However, Henry rides to one song and one song only -- the "I'm a Happy Mermaid" song. I think he likes the beat more so than the words. I don't know, I guess I'm just saying that.

Here is me taking a cat nap in the sunshine on my custom '92 Suburu Legacy Shitbox Edition as mama and child play in the sand. Me and my dad installed the flooring and it looks really, really great. My brother grouted most of the tile and I even installed the front entry door. We had a tempoary beater door in up until now. The cabinets and countertops are delivered and ready to be installed. After that, I think the plumber can finish up. The garage doors are probably going to be installed this week. The other big stuff to do yet is siding, soffets and fascia, hanging interior doors, and interior trim and railing... and maybe some other junk like buying appliances and what not and sanding and finishing the floors upstairs. Other than that, she's pretty much turn key! The end is getting closer, I can feel it. Vaya con dios!!!

A "Can't Miss" Episode of ER...

We had to take Henry to the hospital last Thursday. His breathing was kinda labored and shallow and we were a little freaked out by that. So we called the triage nurse and she advised us to bring him in - stat (that's medical terminology I picked up from watching General Hospital as a youth). He was put on a nebulizer thingie for a little bit. He didn't mind that and he even got to keep his mask -- it had a dragon on it. Check it out.

They had to take blood from him and used a large needle and wrapped a bungie thing around his arm to make his vein pop out. It took me and two nurses to hold him steady. When provoked, our little guy has the strength of six aggravated chimps. Either his little toddler veins were not producing a good blood flow or the nurse lady was incompetent but it was a mild fiasco and Henry was not liking it much. To make matters worse, the blood took to long to sample so it was useless to the blood lab! They had to take blood again! This time they just pricked his finger. I can't figure out why they didn't do that in the first place. Knobs. Next, he had to have his little toddler chest cavity x-rayed. He wasn't a big fan of the x-ray deal either. After that: STEROIDS!! Yah!! They diagnosed it as a bronchial infection and gave him steroids and apple juice. Then he vomitted the steroids and apple juice. I think there were some ravioli's mixed in there too. Yeah... Then we had to readminister the steroids and he didn't want to drink anymore. I'm just guessing it tasted about how it smelled -- like finely aged hamster urine. We had to coax him to drink it. So we got home at about 10:30 pm that nite. Needless to say, I didn't get much work done on the house that evening. All things considered, Henry was very brave and patient throughout the ordeal. Our little Butterscotch Stallion... there's just no bringing him down.

We are laying tile at the house now. Wide plank rustic hickory floors are next. Kitchen cabinets are to be delivered this week. Things are starting to shape up. The thought of having the house done before baby #2 gets here was a joke initially. Now it is grim reality. Must hurry.