RED ALERT! I WILL DESTROY YOU!

We attended two graduation galas last weekend. All things considered, the kids did pretty good. Although, I believe Henry and Violet screamed and cried from Waconia to about Forest Lake on the way home. We kept thinking they were going to pass out any second, but they just kept going and going...

Here's my babies. I am not exaggerating when I say Violet normally has her finger in her nose. I think she gets that from momma. Sometimes, out of the corner of my eye, I catch her picking her nose but she says she is just scratching it.
Two obvious observations -- she can put her fist in her mouth and this gal LOVES her some spaghetti.

Henry loves lawn ornaments. Lawn ornaments that spew water? Double bonus.

Violet is really turning into a Daddy's girl. Sometimes when I come home from work she gets overcome with emotion and bursts into tears. I have a bunch of trails mowed around the ranch now and I take her on my shoulders for walks. We've been seeing lots of deer lately. A while back I saw the largest snapping turtle I have ever seen in my life -- I would say about fifty pounds or so. The neighbor stopped over a few days ago and showed us pictures of a black bear cub eating out of their bird feeders. Nature!
Grandpa Fred and Henry enjoy a friendly game of ejector seat...

Henry loves to talk like a robot now and has become increasingly impressive at talking trash. I may have to have a talk with him about it before things get really out of hand. You have to imagine him saying this in robot cadence: "RED ALERT! I WILL DE-STROY YOU! AND PUT DIRT AND SAND IN YOUR EYEBALLS AND FLUSH YOU DOWN THE TOILET!"

Captain Fantastic

It has been a long week at El Rancho Johnson. Violet came down with a wicked fever last Sunday and peaked at 104.2 degrees. She barely slept all night and just kind of moaned and cried. The fact that she has two teeth cutting through on top didn't help either. I stayed home with her on Monday and took her to the hospital to make sure she didn't have the plague or anything serious. Momma stayed home on Tuesday. She hasn't really eaten much all week. She doesn't have a fever anymore, but is still basically a goobering hot mess.

Here she is during happier times enjoying a stroll down the driveway with momma. We bought Henry some really sweet new shades so Violet could take possession of the Captain Fantastic glasses. He will wear his new ones but he still prefers the Captain Fantastic look.




Last year we planted some tulip bulbs near our driveway entrance. We also have some lilacs and some other junk flowering at our place. I think summer is here. Only sixteen more days until days start to get shorter. Yah, Minnesota!

Here's a classy picture of my special lady two knuckles deep.
Henry clogged up the toilet for the first time last week. The impressive thing is that is was pure logs -- no toilet paper. How does a thirty pound toddler lay a turd the size of a state fair cucumber? I was puzzled. There are no easy answers... It reminded me of the scene in Anchorman when Baxter ate a whole wheel of cheese and Ron Burgandy just said "heck, I'm not even mad -- that's amazing."
Here is Henry chewing on a knife with a pirate-style doo rag and his favorite sweat pants.

Last Saturday night we had both kids stay overnight at Grandma Judy's so we could go to a wedding party. It was the first time since we had the kids that we had overnight babysitting. It was really nice to have a night out with actual grown ups and also not to have to wake up to Henry screaming "I wants me some cartoonies and milkie, STAT!!" Momma had a particularly joyous time cutting loose and what not.

Henry has recently figured out puzzles and really loves 'em. He will do the same one over and over again. I guess that is more fun than a jar of rocks.

Violet is still not quite walking.

Violet Turns One; Nation Celebrates

We celebrated Violet's first birthday with a major bash. There were serious preparations involved. I decided that I had to be done with the siding before Violet's big party so on Saturday I hung about three square or so of cedar shingle panels. It feels good to be totally done with that. Just another day or so of caulking and staining and the exterior will be 100% done. Rome was not built in a day, so... I will get pictures soon. I don't want to toot my own horn but it looks pretty sweet. We also got some hanging baskets for the front of the house and they are the bomb as well. After I got done with the siding we cleaned the whole house and I pre-made a whole mess of sub sandwiches since I was a former Subway sandwich artist in the early 1990s. Mama custom made a whole bunch of cupcakes and a butterfly cake. At about 11 pm we called it a day. I slammed two bloody marys with Texas-sized kosher dills and collapsed into bed.


We can't believe our little girl is already a year old. She is really developing into a ham. We have to get video footage of her laugh. She has the craziest laugh/cackle of any baby in the entire universe. It is beyond description. We have made a few half-hearted efforts to get her to laugh on camera -- but no dice so far. I will work on it.

She has just started standing on her own without holding onto furniture. I imagine walking is just a few weeks away. She is off the formula and on the whole milk. Might have to get a dairy goat soon since this three gallon per week business is getting out of hand. With consideration to the current state of the economy, we have switched from Edy's Grand to Kemps Ice Cream. Because if we stop eating ice cream the terrorists win.


The party went really well and lots of family and friends were able to come. Violet got a whole bunch of presents -- toys, clothes, an even a very large inflatable pool (pictures to come)...

Momma helped Violet open presents...

For my daughters first birthday I decided the most loving and personal gift I could give was the gift of moustache. I spent about twelve days cultivating this fine specimen. Grandma Evi seemed impressed.

Allie reads a book to Violet...

I think Henry realized he was playing second fiddle to Violet...

Violet is an Olympic caliber eater. Not dainty-- but she can sock it away...

Maddie and cousins Jada and Zoie chill at the birthday bash. Note the long train of cupcakes. Zoie is Violet and Henrys' nine-year-old cousin. She has her very own blog -- check it out.

One-year-old Violet Sophia in the grips of an all out sugar shock -- it could've gone either way at that point but she was a perfect lady the whole time.

Here is Violet basking in the glory of being a one-year-old...

Violet and Ashley partake in a free-form jam session

Here is Engie's crafty birthday bag...

Other news --

*We think Violet is starting to learn a few new words. She may have said milk the other day. So now her vocabulary consists of da-da, uh-oh, and possibly milk and thank you. Momma and I agree that Violet's language skills seem to be developing sooner that Henry's did.

*A couple days ago Henry was playing with his bubble robot in the garage (it's a little toy that you put liquid soap in and it shoots bubbles) and he said to me "dad, this is the most fun I have had in a LONG time" It was funny but at the same time it kind of implies that we are evidently running a pretty boring program over at the Johnson Ranch.

*I came up with a brilliant play time toy idea for Henry. I call it the jar of rocks. I walked around our house and driveway with Henry and we picked out a mason jar worth of unique and cool looking rocks and we washed them and and put them in a mason jar. Now we take them out and play with them. We can arrange them by color, shape, size, what not -- endless games. We make faces out of the rocks -- there is a bunch of small, white rocks to use for teeth. One of the rocks is shaped like a tooth but kind of yellow and I told Henry I was pretty sure it was an old Indian tooth. He was concerned that it must have just fallen out of someones mouth so I said it was probably from someone who drank juice all day and probably never bothered to brush or floss his teeth. It's never to early to employ smoke and mirrors.

Once The Petting Zoo Is Complete We Will Take Over The World

Mama got a rabbit from a co-worker last week. We already had a cage but the former bunny owners gave us another one. They also work as goat traps. I left the bunny cage with the door open unattended to go get something and I came back to find Vince stealing the bunny's food pellets. Henry and Ike look on in curiosity.

Below, Henry screams "EAT THE CARROT! I GAVE YOU A CARROT!" in a maniacal but loving tone similar to that of Gunnery Sergeant Hartman. Bunny's name is Clover. I asked Henry if we should keep that name or go with something else and he said we should name it Happy Tooterpants. I thought it was a pretty decent name and very creative but in the end we decided to stick with Clover.

Here is Henry sharing a slightly more sedated moment with Clover.

Here is a video of Henry during his crazy time. Almost daily he feels compelled to run around in circles.

I have been working diligently around the house. The remaining siding is coming along very well. I thing one more full day of uninterrupted work and it would be done. But those days seem few and far between. Hopefully I will have it done Saturday. I will have to get some good pictures because it almost looks like we live in an actual finished house now -- without and landscaping, an adequate driveway, or a properly finished mudroom. Otherwise, we are just about there...

The other day Henry told me that I was his "favorite dad in the whole best wo-wold". That is kind of a big deal. Violet has like seven teeth now. She just ordered her some sweet new Robeez for her birthday. One year already. Yikes.

All The Good Stuff...

Violet loves to try and help with unloading the dishwasher.


This is what we get when we tell her she can't climb in the dishwasher. She is getting really fast at crawling around and loves to explore around the house. We did get a baby gate for the stairs to help keep her contained to one level.



I know that in 1978 when I would cruise about on a tricycle, I did so with reckless abandon and without head protection. Since that time, a child must have fallen off his/her trike and suffered serious injuries and ruined it for everyone. So, Henry gets a helmet. We bought him a tricycle, a little basketball hoop, and some other toys at a yard sale last weekend. I got a complete set of workbooks and cassettes for learning the Russian language the same system used by secret agents and diplomats for fifty cents. Sputnik!


The good news is that he loves wearing it. After he was done with his first ride with a helmet on he wanted to go for a walk with me out on the road. I told him he could take it off while he was walking but he told me he didn't want to "bump his head on the road". I installed a horn too.

Henry enjoys a bird field guide.

The Phallic Stage...

Henry is still very much into having his hands down his pants and playing with himself and that sort of junk. We tell him constantly that if he wants to do that he should go to his room and he usually stops. A couple weeks back I was in my study/loft reading and whatnot and Henry scurries by into his room and is a little too quiet for a little too long. So I says to him, I says "Henry,what are you doing in there?" To which he replies, "I'm just in my room playin' with my penis." Yep, that's my boy...

Henry likes to put on his own lotion after his bath. When unsupervised, he tends to go a little overboard. He slobbers it all over his body in very copious amounts with gusto. We have instructed him to not put lotion on his nether region since it might irritate his pee-pee hole but he still gets carried away from time to time. So, the other night he comes barreling into Violet's room as we are putting her to bed and tells us he is all lotioned up. He had it all over his three pack so I told him he should go in the bathroom and wipe the lotion off that area. He scampers off for a few minutes and comes back with little tufts of toilet paper on his fingers and wiener and says, "ahh daddy, it not workin'... I need help." I believe that is when this picture was taken...

Random Observations

Violet said her first words tonite -- "uh oh!" -- after she dropped her sippie cup. She had teeth popping in all over the joint and is slobbering mess. She is mainly babbling and saying the baby stuff like "daa daa daa" and "baa baa baa". She had her first really good temper tantrum when we blocked her way to the stairs a couple days back. The two kids regularly take baths together now. Henry can properly pronounce Violet now. Instead of "Vahditt" he can pretty clearly say Violet. Violet is cultivating the beginnings of a nice and wispy mullet!

Bedlam...

It seems like it has been a while since we took a bunch of pictures of the kids. We were cooped up at the ranch for most of the weekend and ended up getting some pretty good ones. Violet was in rare form this weekend -- very giggly and boisterous. She also figured out how to go up our stairs. I see some bumps and bruises in her future...

Below, Violet admires her reflection in a mirror on one of her toys.

Henry finally decided to conform and got a much needed haircut from Poik. He looks like a new man. He keeps evolving into a little dude and seeing him with his new haircut made his little dude-ness very apparent. We will be laying on the couch and he will say something like "tell me about your day, dad..." It seems like just yesterday he was a helpless little blob.

We really haven't had to buy much for clothes for either kid for quite a while. Mamma is champin' at the bit to swap out for Violet's spring wardrobe. Henry inherited a very nice collection of sweatpants and casual wear from his cousin Eli. With the muddy spring weather he is going through several changes of clothes per day on the weekend. We have been going on "adventures", as we call them. We will go for walks down the road or around our field. He loves to go for cruises on the four wheeler. Yesterday morning I took Henry for cruise on the four wheeler (really slow) up our gravel road. We saw a fox cross the road in front of us and also got a close look at a woodcock. Nature!

Grandma Judy came over Sunday afternoon and we ate cookies, goofed around and went for a walk in our back field. The neighbors have a horse that is very friendly and will come over to the fence and let everyone pet him. Henry and Grandma Judy also took a nap...

Below, Henry shoots laser beams out of his elbows.

Here is a head shot of Henry. This is just casual time. Normally, he would put a dab of brylcreem in his hair to promote more manageable styling.

Violet is an eating machine. She just started loving to feed herself and seems to prefer it. She will basically eat anything you put in front of her. Yesterday for dinner she had two pieces of lasagna, a cup of cottage cheese and a half-rack of BBQ ribs.

One of Henry's true passions in life is secretly putting a bunch of crap in the heating vents and then telling me about it. Here, he admires his work...

Violet is leery of my wooden shoes...

Here is a link to a video of Henry playing with a flashlight. He chases the light. Reminded me of a dog chasing his tail.

Chi Chi Reynolds Rides Again...

Despite practically bathing in a constant stream of projectile vomit and turbo-charged diarrhea for the past couple weeks, I have managed to be the only family member not to fall ill with the stomach flu. It also spread to daycare and lead to quite a bit of schedule juggling and whatnot -- no good. I could go a long time without having to hear the words "loose stools" again...

Henry developed a new bedtime gimmick as a result of his latest illness. After we tuck him in he will tell us he thinks he has to puke and will proceed to run into the bathroom and make loud grunting and fake puking noises.

Violet has a third tooth poking through and is still battling a mysterious stomach ailment.

I will try to scan and post a picture of the portrait we had taken of Henry and Violet recently. Three words -- ACTUAL LIVE BUNNIES! It maybe the cutest picture in the history of photography.

The weather is warming up so I am starting to run out of excuses to finish up the siding. This is something I enjoyed putting off for the winter.

Here is an old picture of Violet playing with an Easter basket. That is all I got for now.

The other night we told Henry he could only have pop (7 up) when he was ill. We asked him if he knew what ill meant and he said "yeah, sick!" Not bad.

He loves playing in the mud. A lot.

We finally broke down and got a land line installed at the ranch. It just got real old running around the house trying to get a signal. We have our very own "257" number. I finally feel like I made it in the world. High speed internet should be in soon. Also, don't try messing with my stuff -- we got our security system installed.

Easter Egg-stravaganza

Momma is on spring break this week so she has been able to take the kids on adventures this week, including the annual "Easter Egg-stravaganza" (I beleive this to be my best blog title to date.) on Thursday. I guess Henry really got into it (see pictures). This morning he was carrying his little basket of Easter eggs around and talking to them. He called them his little egg babies. He was saying "Good morning little egg babies. You awake now? Nice to see you!" The down side is that basically every egg is all cracked up and has finger holes and whatnot in it. I guess they are mainly for show and likely will not be consumed. Violet likes to stay focused on her goals while Henry is Mr. Pull-My-Finger-Jokes-Mahoney?

Violet is still suffering from lingering cold / general snottiness. However, this did not prevent her from embracing in the egg coloring fun.

Henry's hair is getting slightly out of control. I keep asking him if he wants to go back to Poik's for a haircut and he says no. I'm starting to question our decision of leaving a two year old as the master of his destiny when it comes to hair cuts. We might have to lay down the law soon. He's still cute though...

Violet shares a laugh with the egg coloring group.

We had to lower her matress in her crib because of this recent development.

A sidenote -- likely too late to help -- Easter grass + toddlers = Total Anarchy. This photo was taken right as martial law was almost declared at the Johnson Compound...

The Spring Equinox Update

Henry did not take his invitation to Ashley's first birthday bash lightly. He wanted to make an impression. He could be out and about or mastering a task at home in this beautiful corduroy sport coat. I stayed home with Violet -- she had a fever of about 102 degrees. Note the wife's amazing new asymmetrical "pob" haircut. Not bad.

Violet is getting another tooth and has been a snotty and slobbering mess. Here are the two kids enjoying their pirate regalia from their McDonalds Happy Meals. Henry somehow never fails to point out a McDonalds. He says "Mack-o-donnos!"

We bought Henry a new pair of sneakers this week. Henry is running with a little arrow and yelling stuff like "I'm a pirate". That little guy loves to stab stuff with his arrow. Below Henry is sporting an elegant pair of superhero undies of some sort.

No goat causalities this week. Baby steps from here on out...

The goats have been enjoying the streak of warmer weather. New areas of grass are being exposed and they are loving it.

Would it be a tragedy of epic proportions if I tried my hand at chickens or turkeys? What is bird flu anyways? Maybe I should just stay focused on the goats for now...

I tell you what, our driveway is muddy. BIG TIME muddy. Last weekend Henry went through about umpteen pairs of sweat pants and two coats. His favorite outside games are either pretending to be stuck in the mud or just jumping around in a mud puddle until he falls down. Then he says, "Dad, I fell down..."

Pride on three! Pride on three!

Bikini Season

Summer is fast approaching and Violet wanted in on the best selection of infant bikinis. This is what she and momma came away with from the swimwear department. It's a rather elegant two-piece. Perhaps a little too revealing in my opinion...




A co-worker of the wife is doing some photography on the side and recently offered to do a free photo shoot of the kids for her website. We got some gems...

Henry is always saying great stuff. Whenever he has to poop we try to get him to do it as independently as possible. Sometimes he will have a false alarm and will report that he couldn't go. A while back I asked him if he was able to go and he casually responded "Yeah, I did like seven big turds and two little turds..."

Yesterday, he had his first poop accident since he started going on the toilet. He claimed that he just thought he did a big fart and he was kinda preoccupied playing with his guys. For future reference, I told him that farts with lumps should always draw a red flag.

Below, Henry prepares to execute a textbook piledriver on his baby sister.

I might be biased, but I think Violet might be the cutest gal in all the land. She is starting to recognize me more and will smile and crawl toward me when I come home from work.

Here is a photo of Henry giving the photographer a tour of the house. This is custumary for Henry (You wanna see my woom?).

You get the idea, lots of really cute pictures... I have started uploading them to Flickr and there is a link to that site in my recently updated links. I suggest you check them out for fun and possibly a greater understanding of my weltanschuuang.

TRAGEDY AT THE GOAT RANCH

This is especially horrible and ironic since I was just boasting of my animal husbandry skills in my last post.

A typical herd mortality rate for an active livestock operation is 5% to 12%. As a beginning hobbyist with a small "herd", I find it difficult to try to make any correlations with the aforementioned figures. But obviously a smaller sample size will tend to skew any data set (still 50% is really bad?!). It is with a heavy heart and utmost regret that I report that we lost Turtle recently. He was the little black guy and the runt. He was kind of the loner of the trio. He was half-brother to Johnny Drama and Vince and it showed. He was always the slowest to get the food and water offerings. We have two goat houses in the pen and Turtle didn't always like to sleep with the other two. Sadley, this appeared to be his undoing as I beleive he simply died of exposure during this last cold snap.

I was confronted with a serious problem: what do you do with a dead goat in the middle of winter? Through research I discovered a recent development in sustainable livestock management: dead animal composting. I will leave it at that. My official stance on the subject of what happened to Turtle is like the gays in the military: don't ask, don't tell, don't pursue...

So, we told Henry that Turtle had to leave to be at a ranch with Jesus somewhere in Wisconsin where he may browse footloose and fancy free.

I would like to note that we have now taken to letting the goats spend the evening in the garage, where the temperature is a steady 40 degrees, when it gets really cold. It is always nice to be greeted by goats when you open the door to the garage first thing in the morning. Also, I am getting rid of the one goat house in case in case the two lack a sense of self preservation. And, as a symbolic new beginning, I am considering changing their names to Tango and Cash.

Don't hate me. I'm not a goat killer. Chupacabra I am not.

Final note: Prayers for Pat Swayze as he continues his difficult battle with cancer. If this is any indicator of his greatness, I can rarely not watch Roadhouse if the opportunity presents itself. His chemistry with Sam Elliott is mind-bending...