Bedlam...

It seems like it has been a while since we took a bunch of pictures of the kids. We were cooped up at the ranch for most of the weekend and ended up getting some pretty good ones. Violet was in rare form this weekend -- very giggly and boisterous. She also figured out how to go up our stairs. I see some bumps and bruises in her future...

Below, Violet admires her reflection in a mirror on one of her toys.

Henry finally decided to conform and got a much needed haircut from Poik. He looks like a new man. He keeps evolving into a little dude and seeing him with his new haircut made his little dude-ness very apparent. We will be laying on the couch and he will say something like "tell me about your day, dad..." It seems like just yesterday he was a helpless little blob.

We really haven't had to buy much for clothes for either kid for quite a while. Mamma is champin' at the bit to swap out for Violet's spring wardrobe. Henry inherited a very nice collection of sweatpants and casual wear from his cousin Eli. With the muddy spring weather he is going through several changes of clothes per day on the weekend. We have been going on "adventures", as we call them. We will go for walks down the road or around our field. He loves to go for cruises on the four wheeler. Yesterday morning I took Henry for cruise on the four wheeler (really slow) up our gravel road. We saw a fox cross the road in front of us and also got a close look at a woodcock. Nature!

Grandma Judy came over Sunday afternoon and we ate cookies, goofed around and went for a walk in our back field. The neighbors have a horse that is very friendly and will come over to the fence and let everyone pet him. Henry and Grandma Judy also took a nap...

Below, Henry shoots laser beams out of his elbows.

Here is a head shot of Henry. This is just casual time. Normally, he would put a dab of brylcreem in his hair to promote more manageable styling.

Violet is an eating machine. She just started loving to feed herself and seems to prefer it. She will basically eat anything you put in front of her. Yesterday for dinner she had two pieces of lasagna, a cup of cottage cheese and a half-rack of BBQ ribs.

One of Henry's true passions in life is secretly putting a bunch of crap in the heating vents and then telling me about it. Here, he admires his work...

Violet is leery of my wooden shoes...

Here is a link to a video of Henry playing with a flashlight. He chases the light. Reminded me of a dog chasing his tail.

Chi Chi Reynolds Rides Again...

Despite practically bathing in a constant stream of projectile vomit and turbo-charged diarrhea for the past couple weeks, I have managed to be the only family member not to fall ill with the stomach flu. It also spread to daycare and lead to quite a bit of schedule juggling and whatnot -- no good. I could go a long time without having to hear the words "loose stools" again...

Henry developed a new bedtime gimmick as a result of his latest illness. After we tuck him in he will tell us he thinks he has to puke and will proceed to run into the bathroom and make loud grunting and fake puking noises.

Violet has a third tooth poking through and is still battling a mysterious stomach ailment.

I will try to scan and post a picture of the portrait we had taken of Henry and Violet recently. Three words -- ACTUAL LIVE BUNNIES! It maybe the cutest picture in the history of photography.

The weather is warming up so I am starting to run out of excuses to finish up the siding. This is something I enjoyed putting off for the winter.

Here is an old picture of Violet playing with an Easter basket. That is all I got for now.

The other night we told Henry he could only have pop (7 up) when he was ill. We asked him if he knew what ill meant and he said "yeah, sick!" Not bad.

He loves playing in the mud. A lot.

We finally broke down and got a land line installed at the ranch. It just got real old running around the house trying to get a signal. We have our very own "257" number. I finally feel like I made it in the world. High speed internet should be in soon. Also, don't try messing with my stuff -- we got our security system installed.

Easter Egg-stravaganza

Momma is on spring break this week so she has been able to take the kids on adventures this week, including the annual "Easter Egg-stravaganza" (I beleive this to be my best blog title to date.) on Thursday. I guess Henry really got into it (see pictures). This morning he was carrying his little basket of Easter eggs around and talking to them. He called them his little egg babies. He was saying "Good morning little egg babies. You awake now? Nice to see you!" The down side is that basically every egg is all cracked up and has finger holes and whatnot in it. I guess they are mainly for show and likely will not be consumed. Violet likes to stay focused on her goals while Henry is Mr. Pull-My-Finger-Jokes-Mahoney?

Violet is still suffering from lingering cold / general snottiness. However, this did not prevent her from embracing in the egg coloring fun.

Henry's hair is getting slightly out of control. I keep asking him if he wants to go back to Poik's for a haircut and he says no. I'm starting to question our decision of leaving a two year old as the master of his destiny when it comes to hair cuts. We might have to lay down the law soon. He's still cute though...

Violet shares a laugh with the egg coloring group.

We had to lower her matress in her crib because of this recent development.

A sidenote -- likely too late to help -- Easter grass + toddlers = Total Anarchy. This photo was taken right as martial law was almost declared at the Johnson Compound...

The Spring Equinox Update

Henry did not take his invitation to Ashley's first birthday bash lightly. He wanted to make an impression. He could be out and about or mastering a task at home in this beautiful corduroy sport coat. I stayed home with Violet -- she had a fever of about 102 degrees. Note the wife's amazing new asymmetrical "pob" haircut. Not bad.

Violet is getting another tooth and has been a snotty and slobbering mess. Here are the two kids enjoying their pirate regalia from their McDonalds Happy Meals. Henry somehow never fails to point out a McDonalds. He says "Mack-o-donnos!"

We bought Henry a new pair of sneakers this week. Henry is running with a little arrow and yelling stuff like "I'm a pirate". That little guy loves to stab stuff with his arrow. Below Henry is sporting an elegant pair of superhero undies of some sort.

No goat causalities this week. Baby steps from here on out...

The goats have been enjoying the streak of warmer weather. New areas of grass are being exposed and they are loving it.

Would it be a tragedy of epic proportions if I tried my hand at chickens or turkeys? What is bird flu anyways? Maybe I should just stay focused on the goats for now...

I tell you what, our driveway is muddy. BIG TIME muddy. Last weekend Henry went through about umpteen pairs of sweat pants and two coats. His favorite outside games are either pretending to be stuck in the mud or just jumping around in a mud puddle until he falls down. Then he says, "Dad, I fell down..."

Pride on three! Pride on three!

Bikini Season

Summer is fast approaching and Violet wanted in on the best selection of infant bikinis. This is what she and momma came away with from the swimwear department. It's a rather elegant two-piece. Perhaps a little too revealing in my opinion...




A co-worker of the wife is doing some photography on the side and recently offered to do a free photo shoot of the kids for her website. We got some gems...

Henry is always saying great stuff. Whenever he has to poop we try to get him to do it as independently as possible. Sometimes he will have a false alarm and will report that he couldn't go. A while back I asked him if he was able to go and he casually responded "Yeah, I did like seven big turds and two little turds..."

Yesterday, he had his first poop accident since he started going on the toilet. He claimed that he just thought he did a big fart and he was kinda preoccupied playing with his guys. For future reference, I told him that farts with lumps should always draw a red flag.

Below, Henry prepares to execute a textbook piledriver on his baby sister.

I might be biased, but I think Violet might be the cutest gal in all the land. She is starting to recognize me more and will smile and crawl toward me when I come home from work.

Here is a photo of Henry giving the photographer a tour of the house. This is custumary for Henry (You wanna see my woom?).

You get the idea, lots of really cute pictures... I have started uploading them to Flickr and there is a link to that site in my recently updated links. I suggest you check them out for fun and possibly a greater understanding of my weltanschuuang.

TRAGEDY AT THE GOAT RANCH

This is especially horrible and ironic since I was just boasting of my animal husbandry skills in my last post.

A typical herd mortality rate for an active livestock operation is 5% to 12%. As a beginning hobbyist with a small "herd", I find it difficult to try to make any correlations with the aforementioned figures. But obviously a smaller sample size will tend to skew any data set (still 50% is really bad?!). It is with a heavy heart and utmost regret that I report that we lost Turtle recently. He was the little black guy and the runt. He was kind of the loner of the trio. He was half-brother to Johnny Drama and Vince and it showed. He was always the slowest to get the food and water offerings. We have two goat houses in the pen and Turtle didn't always like to sleep with the other two. Sadley, this appeared to be his undoing as I beleive he simply died of exposure during this last cold snap.

I was confronted with a serious problem: what do you do with a dead goat in the middle of winter? Through research I discovered a recent development in sustainable livestock management: dead animal composting. I will leave it at that. My official stance on the subject of what happened to Turtle is like the gays in the military: don't ask, don't tell, don't pursue...

So, we told Henry that Turtle had to leave to be at a ranch with Jesus somewhere in Wisconsin where he may browse footloose and fancy free.

I would like to note that we have now taken to letting the goats spend the evening in the garage, where the temperature is a steady 40 degrees, when it gets really cold. It is always nice to be greeted by goats when you open the door to the garage first thing in the morning. Also, I am getting rid of the one goat house in case in case the two lack a sense of self preservation. And, as a symbolic new beginning, I am considering changing their names to Tango and Cash.

Don't hate me. I'm not a goat killer. Chupacabra I am not.

Final note: Prayers for Pat Swayze as he continues his difficult battle with cancer. If this is any indicator of his greatness, I can rarely not watch Roadhouse if the opportunity presents itself. His chemistry with Sam Elliott is mind-bending...

Dental Hygeine, Sled Rides, Successful Goat Husbandry: The Splendor of a Country Gentleman

Dental hygeine is kind of a big deal and we are happy to see Violet brushing her two teeth with such gusto and vigor. She seems so excited. Henry, on the other hand, looks to be just going through the motions...

We pulled the kids around in a sled last weekend. That is what we do for fun at El Rancho Goat. I'm looking into making a potatoe gun this summer. That would be fun...

I love how Violet has a little smile and is peeping at the camera with one eye.

Into the woods...

Ahhhh, Henry... Hang on to your sister...

I just wanted to throw this one in to the mix to prove that I have indeed managed to keep the goats alive and healthy for several months now. Once the great thaw begins I think I am going to upgrade the facilities for these little guys.

Henry is a serious thinker and debater now. When we say something, he will often say "what does that mean?" or "why?"

If you ask him the time he will likely reply "um thirty". I think "um thirty" is more of a state of mind.

Momma put him down for a nap once and after a while he started yelling that he was done with his nap 'cuz he had "already slept four ounces".

I installed two closet rods this weekend. Two closet rods. Violet already has , like, seven party dresses.

Good Stuff

A select group of people should hopefully receive this in the mail today. We are personally a little shocked at how similar in size the two hands are. Violet is growing so fast.

It is hard to keep track of all the weird and hilarious things Henry says now. Momma has been writing some of them down in his baby book.

The other day Henry was hanging out with me and I said "dang it". He repeated it and I told him "you probably shouldn't say that". He looked at me and said "or shit, right dad?"

Yes, son...

Momma had me run and get the camera since it is so rare to catch Henry standing still, let alone snuggling. Neither of the kids seem to be big snugglers.

Violet is becoming more mobile each day. However, she still needs constant monitoring as she will sometimes spontaneously sit up and throw herself backwards, causing pain and discomfort. She is at that stage where she gets really mad and screams and cries if momma or myself goes out of her sight.

Last summer we let Henry try ice cream and he didn't want anything to do with it. That was then and this is now.

At a half-gallon a week, I consume about 26 gallons of Eddy's ice cream per annum. Pretty gross when you do the math. It has become custumary for me and wife to eat a huge bowl of ice cream and watch Biggest Loser. I guess everybody needs at least one vice, if only to be reminded that they are human. If I had a normal level of metabolism I would probably look like one of those people you that becomes trapped in their bedroom and gets personal phone calls from Richard Simmons. Eventually, I would have to be rescued by a chainsaw-weilding EMT crew and hauled off to the hospital on a flatbed truck for emergency surgery on a must see episode of the Sally Jesse Rapheal program.

Henry learned how to put his pants on all by himself after going potty. He just has a few kinks to work out on his technique. I couldn't help but think of Kriss Kross...

Momma grabbed the camera and snapped a picture because she thought it was too cute that Henry had his arm around me. The past few days he has been going outside with me to do chores. We take the dog for a little walk, then we tend to the goats, then I chop firewood and Henry helps stack it on the sled so we can bring it inside. Elm is very gnarly and difficult to split as firewood, but it seems to be easier in the extreme cold for some reason. I love when Henry says "choppin' wood". In light of recent events such as the jammie fire of '08, I make sure to have Henry stand WAY far away -- in case you were worried...

Earlier this week, on a particularly cold evening, we were sitting in the goat pen watching the goats eat. Henry said, "Dad, the goats need a mommy and daddy."

Henry made his eyes look all funny and said "Look, I'm Picasso!". It's a joke from Toy Story, one of his favorite films of all-time.

He was looking at the udders on one of his plastic cows and said "Mom, how come cows have two penises?"

Henry can be real chippy sometimes and at different times when he doesn't get his way has threatened to "put me in the garbabe" or "throw me in the fire" .

We have been teaching him to say "oh snap!" to help keep him from repeating swears and what not. There is nothing more amusing than hearing a toddler yell "oh snap!" after dropping one of his guys or something.

Highlights of Irresponsible Parenting and Other Gems...

Here are some sweet photos from a few weeks back. Me and Ol' Hank went spearing / ice fishing with my brother Jesse and his son Eli. I was very surprised how long Henry was able to maintain decent behavior in a fishhouse. We lasted the better part of the day -- maybe five hours or so. My emergency ace-in-the-hole was a few Jolly Rancher suckers. He absolutely LOVES suckers and they incapacitate him for about twenty minutes. It's probably bad parenting, but it seems that some form of bribery is used in just about everything we do. Sometimes I don't even realize I am doing it...

In the photo above, you might notice Henry is gripping a full-sized PB & J. The wife packed a small cooler full of snacks meant for both of us including the aforementioned full-sized PB & J (intended for me), a smaller PB & J (intended for Henry, some juice, pop, crackers, raisins, a Slim Jim, what not... I do believe I ate the Slim Jim and Henry ate everything else. Henry almost fell down into the spear hole one time.

You might also notice his Bass Pro Shop hoodie. He thinks it is a special ice fishing garment. Anytime I offer it to him to wear he says "we goin' fishin' with uncle Jesse and Eli?"

There is something about seeing him in a hoodie and a ball cap that really makes him seem like a grown up little boy.

That's about five hours worth right there.

Doesn't everyone have a pair of ice tongs?

Here is Violet in her new coat and hat. It seems that there is an unspoken rule that all her stuff has to be pink or purple...

Violet with some minor head trauma from a tumble into dishwasher.

Henry started his pajamas on fire in the garage the other day. I guess I will have to keep better tabs on him when he comes out in the garage to help me "fix" stuff. Henry says he is helping me fix things but he will grab tools and run around all crazy and throw screwdrivers at the wall, stuff like that. I had a little propane heater going in the garage and Henry stumbled into it and it burned a little hole in his jammies. He was wearing a robust pair of those old school potty training undies, so I think that helped. This is an especially bad deal if you are married to someone whose first job out of college happened to be to set jammies on fire at a clothing testing facility. True story... so I kinda got yelled at for that. And really, aside from Henry almost falling through a hole in the ice, setting his jam jams on fire, and Violet gashing her forehead on the dishwasher, I am a monument to parenting excellence.

Last Friday the wife and I spent the evening like most decent Americans -- drinking and discussing the latest developments in the Britney Spears situation. I proposed a game were we would think of possible Spears headlines that would surprise us. The only one I could come up with was:

Spears Gangrenous Foot Amputated; World Looks on in Horror

Nothing else seemed out of the realm of possibility.

The Ballad of Chi Chi Reynolds...

Violet is really on the verge of crawling. She has the strength and the rhythm down; she simply has to get coordination between her arms and legs. She is a strong little woman. I think she has potential to excel at the shot put and discus toss. Below she is modeling the track suit I gave her for Christmas.


I had this really brilliant business idea to make a line of infant and toddler track suits with Poopy Couture across the backside of the pants -- kinda like what the kids have these days. I think it is a million dollar idea but I don't feel like cashing in yet. I think it is much more bankable than my ideas for bacon roll-ups or the male breastfeeding apparatus. Besides, someone already stole that latter idea from me.


Violet is still a tad irritable -- likely due to a lingering cold and teething situation. She also kind of just has a diva attitude. She likes to wake up screaming and crying about ten minutes before our alarm goes off (the alarm has really just been for looks since the day Henry was born) and as soon as I step foot into her room she stops crying. It's not a "change my diaper" cry or a "I'm hungry" cry, it's just a "turn on my light and hang out in my room with me" cry. This could be foreshadowing some serious diva-type behavior later in life.





Henry has this funny habit. Any time I ask him to do something or go somewhere while he is playing he quickly and desperately tries to grab all of his stuff that he is playing with at that time. And it always seems to be just one or two items more than he can possibly carry at one time. It kinda reminds me of that scene towards the end in the movie The Jerk.





I don't need anything except this and that's it and that's the only thing I need, is this. I don't need this or this. Just this ashtray. And this paddle game, the ashtray and the paddle game and that's all I need. And this remote control. The ashtray, the paddle game and the remote control, and that's all I need. And these matches. The ashtray, and these matches, and the remote control and the paddle ball. And this lamp. The ashtray, this paddle game and the remote control and the lamp and that's all I need. And that's all I need too. I don't need one other thing, not one - I need this! The paddle game, and the chair, and the remote control, and the matches, for sure. And that's all I need. The ashtray, the remote control, the paddle game, this magazine and the chair.






We also believe Henry has an imaginary friend. His name is Chi Chi Reynolds. He always talks about Chi Chi Reynolds. Chi Chi Reynolds this, Chi Chi Reynolds that. We have no idea where he came up with it, but I have to say that is one sweet name.

Henry is basically potty trained. He always craps in the toilet and has only occasional pee-pee related accidents. He is also having his phase where he is completely infatuated with his ding-ding. The other night it seemed like he was in a trance -- gobbling popcorn with one hand and the other hand on his unit. It is a pretty constant thing. He is getting curious about it, too. He asks me about mine and what the deal is with mom -- that sort of thing.

He also has these glittery sunglasses that he likes wearing around the house, even to daycare, that make him look like Dame Edna. I guess another kid has started wearing sunglasses to daycare now too. We might have a little trendsetter in our midst.

Mr. Roper's Love Child...

Henry is having trouble deciding if his new look is "urban bohemian" or "casual elegance". Either way, he is a pretty big deal.

I have discovered that if you offer Henry at least two raisins he is very accomodating during photo shoots. Two raisins -- that's how we arrived at the photo below. I probably would have gone all the way to five raisins, but Henry is not yet that shrewd of a negotiator.

I tried to tell him we were out of raisins and things got ugly.

Major Developments Regarding Both Whipper Snappers... Caution: POOP TALK

Seemingly overnight, Henry has managed to master the delicate task of crapping on the toilet! I think the main ticket was individually naming everyone we know and telling him about how they always use the toilet. Yes, you all helped.

He hasn't pooped in his diaper, I believe, since Thursday. The first time was a real shock. He sneaked offf and went on the toilet and starting yelling that his butt hurt. Momma went running in and told him to just try and squeeze it out and he said "I DID!". Sure enough, he had a Texas-sized poop log down there. Seriously, Henry already has big old man-turds...two flushers. The scene that followed was reminiscent of what you see on the TV news when there is a major celebration in the middle east and people are shouting and dancing and shooting guns off in the streets. We wiped his butt and proceeded to dance around and shout for about twenty minutes.

Below, Henry falls asleep with his mojo hand clutching a lego block. We encourage him to take afternoon naps but he usually just plays in his room until he passes out -- perhaps a glimpse into the college years?

Violet got her first tooth! The poor girl has basically been sick for the past three months.

Violet is blossoming into an extremely beautiful pre-toddler. Despite her ongoing cold and various other illnesses and diseases, she is a very happy child. Here is one of the outfits I gave her for Christmas.

Here is a link to a sweet video of Henry.